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Are you hard? (that’s what she said…)
Ok, can we circle back to the sugar cube thing of a few weeks ago? Swell. (if you haven’t read it, find it here: https://www.samsalenger.com/Im-a-sweet-little-fucking-cube-of-sugar)
I’ve been thinking so much about this conundrum. The juxtaposition between being feminine and sweet and soft and also being tough and careful and independent and getting shit done. It’s a really difficult place to be.
How do we, as women who ARE stepping into our power, not get hard? (Michael Scott from the office will NOT get out of my head…)
It’s ok to laugh, you guys! Life is fucking hard (see…geez).
Enough monkey business. Let’s really dig into this. When I dug into the idea of being a sugar cube, that was just the beginning. Because, let’s face it, it’s wayyyyy easier to compact ourselves into a nice tidy compartment to hold it all together. The alternative is to be a quivering bowl of jello that can barely get out of bed. Jello doesn’t keep the house organized, get kids out the door with homework, shoes tied, and permission slips signed. Jello doesn’t have the capacity to go to work, do it well, pay bills, get her ass to the gym and juggle what life needs her to juggle. But a sweet hard tough edgy cube of sugar does.
Ok. Fine. But here’s the rub (that’s what she…GAH!). To be IN a relationship with other humans we have to have some soft spots, otherwise we’re acting like robots. And if we’re talking about an intimate relationship? Well, I think we all know how well that works out.
OH CRAP. We have to be more jello than cube.
I don’t know about you guys, but that scares the fucking shit outta me.
So, let’s go there. Why is this scary to women? There are 90 billion reasons. Number 1…all of human history thus far. Number 2…probably a lot of personal shit that you grew up with (why? see #1 above). Doesn’t matter. What does is how they show up for us and what we’re going to do about them. Here’s what I think some of the fears are:
- we will lose ourselves
- we’ll be seen
- we won’t be loved
- we’ll be abandoned
- we’ll have to do it all alone (ironic since we ARE anyway)
- we will lose any power we’ve gained
- we will melt into all this gushy loving jello and be total fucking idiots
- our hearts will break into a million trillion pieces and we will never recover
- somebody is going to take advantage of the squishy parts of us and we’ll be fucked over
- we will hate who we become
- we can’t do it. we simply aren’t jello. never were. never will be.
- there’s something wrong with us
- we will have to put on a mask and pretend and then we won’t be able to take it off and then we will REALLY hate who we become
- no one will ever love the real me so why bother
- I’ll fuck it up anyway
I could go on, but you get the idea. Now, I’m coming from a place of divorce. But, I was married for a long time. Over the years as things fell apart, I had convinced myself that I was soft because I could feel that tender place in my own heart. But lemme tell you, after a while all I exuded was sharp, condensed, gritty sugar. Sweet, but fucking hard. There are several zillion reasons why I got there. Doesn’t matter. I own my part. I did that. But I don’t wanna anymore.
And I’m betting you don’t either. Whether you are married, divorced, partnered, never married, a mom, not a mom…I’m betting that as an independent woman who is smart and savvy, have gotten to a certain age, and is bothering to read this, that you have some hardness in you. I bet it’s somewhat uncomfortable and also super comforting. It provides some protection. I know my cubeness protects my heart like a doberman. I haven’t fully embraced, nor do I fully trust, the jellowy parts of me to be running the show. Not yet.
What are we to do then, when we see the cube, we feel the hardness inside us (seriously, Michael Scott would have a FIELD day with this post) and it’s become a little like a comfy old disgusting pair of slippers. Well…I think we notice, and then we review, then we act. The first step is admitting you’re a sugar cube, and wanting to be more like jello. Next, we see where being compacted and hard is holding us back? Get curious about what would shift if we softened up a bit. What would be different, more fulfilling, or less stressful if we stopped clenching our jaws and took a breath and let go a tad? And then we do a little planning: how would I like to feel? calm? peaceful? supported? at ease? And then we act.
What can we do to start to soften? Can we allow vulnerable feelings (that suck ass, by the way) to bubble up? Can we allow them to visit us and be confident that we won’t go off the deep end if we hang with them for a bit? Can we find some silent times to check in? Can we get a little curious about that tenderest place in our hearts? Can we begin to believe that we are worthy of jellowy love? Is it possible that we are smart, savvy, capable AND soft? How would that look?
This is just the smallest tip of this particularly tricky iceberg. I know I’ll be doing my best to connect more to my jello and relax the cube. What can you do to embrace your inner jello?
If you are called to get some support please find a group of women who get you and who are also searching for their jelloish parts. We need help on this journey for sure. (If you need to find a group check out the links at the bottom of the page!)
And as always, if you want some serious support, hit me up. Listening, dissecting, reflecting and supporting is what a coach does best! Witnessing the softening and holding space for the timid quivering jello is what I am trained to do!
From one rock hard cube of jello to another…let’s try doing some melting and softening together. I’d love to hear your struggles with this and where you are on your journey to jello!!
PS. Check out these meetups! They are full of awesome women who are on the jello path!
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